Struggling, Discouraged, & Generally Feeling Like Something of a Nobody

Yeah….sorry about the melodramatic title, but if you’ve been reading my blog long enough then you know I have a penchant for drama. *shrug* It’s who I am. I apologized for it for years. I’m not going to apologize anymore.

I’m struggling…

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. There are a lot of reasons for that: I’ve been busy (not really, but sorta), I haven’t felt like writing anything (totally true), and as hard as this will be to read for many of you, I’m a little miffed that more people don’t read my blog and that the people who do won’t share it (sorry, but y’all said you like my honesty and transparency…that’s just honesty).

More honesty – it’s not only writing that I don’t feel much like doing. I don’t feel like doing much of anything. I’m pretty much phoning it in both with my teaching and with my schoolwork. I don’t have a lot of motivation to do either. Fortunately, I’m naturally gifted at both, so I still do better than most who actually give a damn and try (yeah…more honesty *shrug again*).

So, I’m struggling. I’m struggling to find much of a purpose in what I’m doing or a plan for what is coming next. Right now I’m teaching just for the money. I don’t really care about much more than that. I’m going to school because I set a goal 10 years ago and this is the last step. But, I don’t even know now if it’s a worthwhile goal to have. *shrug 3x*

I’m discouraged…

My anxiety is getting worse, not better. I go to counseling every single week and talk about all the stuff in my life that bothers me and all of that stuff is supposedly the stuff that is making me anxious. But, so far, yacking away….blathering on and on and on about shit that happened when I was a kid, about how out of place I felt most of the time and about how worried I was that people in my family were going to die…none of that psychobabble horsecrap is helping me feel less anxious.

I’m starting to wonder if I can be helped at all. *shrug quadrilateral*

I feel like something of a nobody…

This really isn’t anything new. Growing up a completely un-athletic clod in a town that valued nothing but sports made me feel like something of a nobody from the age of about 10 on. But, it’s intensified now.

Being stuck in the house all the time because of anxiety means that I get to watch my “friends” live their lives and progress and move forward while I sit at a tiny desk in front of a $12 map of the world and pretend like my job teaching ESL online is important….and that taking two online graduate courses and writing discussion posts about semantics and pragmatics and communicative intent and cross-cultural communication actually means that I’m a scholar. Who believes that? Not even me. *shrug quintuplet*

There you have it. That pretty much sums up how I feel about life right now. I’m not going to put any of my usual “Hey let me know what you’re thinking” BS at the bottom because nobody ever does and it’s just a waste of my time.

10 thoughts on “Struggling, Discouraged, & Generally Feeling Like Something of a Nobody

  1. Oh, Jason, you are in a dark place; or at least you were when you wrote this. It awful when the whole world sucks and nothing you do has any meaning. If I could I would say the magic word but, as you well know, there isn’t any. All I can offer is a suggestion or two that are helpful to me. Try to treat yourself with kindness while you ride this one out, even if that means curling up under the covers for a good part of the day. Lately I’ve been trying brief meditations to calm the anxiety and mental chatter (monkey mind). I remind myself that I’ve been through this before and survived, it doesn’t last forever. Hope the sun shines soon for you!

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  2. Hi, Jason. This is Abby from Dr. Cheng’s class. Ditto what Paul said. I’ve been thinking about going to counseling for a long time. Having second thoughts after reading this. So it hasn’t helped at all?

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    • Hi, Abby! thanks so much for reading and commenting. Actually, it has helped some. I have an uncanny ability to overdramatize things. I suppose I’ve just been feeling a bit overwhelmed and underprepared(?). I would definitely recommend counseling if you’re struggling with anxiety, depression, or both. Cognitive behavioral therapy has been shown to be very effective in dealing with them. I hope that you can find a counselor who will help you overcome whatever difficulties you’re having. If I can be of any help, please don’t hesitate to email and let me know!

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  3. Hi Jason. Just a note to say YOU ARE A SOMEBODY!! In all you imperfections and perceived shortcomings You are God’s greatest miracle. You are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image. There is not, has never been, nor will there ever be another Jason Walker.

    If you have not read God’s Greatest Miracle by Og Mondino, I encourage you to do so and follow through with the 100 day challenge.

    Hugs and love in Christ,

    Sandy

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